i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
