Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
