Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
