Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Couch. On fire.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
