Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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