hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
