Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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