One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
two words: eviction party
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
