Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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