Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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