one word: firstdatebathroomanal
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
