Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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