Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I love you.
Bad choice
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
