Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
