he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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