I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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