so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
