I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
