You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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