I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
