I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
