so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
