omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
