evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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