I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
