the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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