I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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