so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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