Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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