We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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