I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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