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The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
