This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
