Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
