What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
