If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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