just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
