I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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