did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Holy shit dude........stairs
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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