I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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