Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
