U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Randomize
