Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
