the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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