Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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