You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
