I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
