The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize