Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
