Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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