I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i now understand why vodka
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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