I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
