Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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