Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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