I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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