Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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