if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You ruined the universe
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
